I've been struggling with writing this post of a while now but the topic and push to write it hasn't left my heart or mind. So I am finally mustering up the courage to do it. I've mentioned here and there in passed posts that the last few years have been really difficult, but I haven't ever mentioned why.
Recently I have been witnessing a few girls go through similar situations to where I was just three short yet long years ago. It hurts my heart to think that anyone would have to feel the pain I felt or have to hurt the way I have.
Because of this I've been feeling really challenged by the gospel. Not in a bad way at all though. In a really good way actually. I've been asked some tough questions. Tough for me to contemplate and tough for me to answer. As I have pondered the questions though I have really been able to see just how far I have come in the last few years. It's been a long hard road.
Three years ago I thought I had it all figured out. My path in life was set. I grew up in a small town where the normal/typical thing to do was to marry someone from the same or neighbouring town and start having children right away and just live that simple life and then your kids repeat and repeat. It seems so simple and laid out and why the heck not! You have it all figured out your whole life. Perfect. Well not so perfect for me it turns out. Growing up I sort of knew that wasn't the life for me. I have this wandering soul. One that needs to see and feel and touch and smell and taste everything that this world has to offer. No way could I stay in a town of two thousand people the rest of my life. But, most of me really wanted that simple life. I was determined to have it. I think I was just so scared of the unknown. Scared to be different and in a way scared to achieve. So I went to school for something quick and easy. After all I would be married by twenty and have a baby by twenty-one, so what did I need school for. So following that plan I was married at twenty. But there was no baby by twenty-one, instead there was a divorce. I never saw it coming. My planed out life was working out just like all my friends, just like everyone before me. Where had I gone wrong? What had I done to deserve this? Where do I go from here?
The answer to the first question was… I had made my own plan instead of going after the one my Heavenly Father had laid out before me. So my blessings had some to a screeching halt while he tried to figure out how to get me back on that path.
The answer to the second question though..nothing…I didn't do anything to deserve it. No one and I mean absolutely no one deserves to be made to feel like they are unworthy of love. No one deserves to be abused. No one deserves to be betrayed. Above all no one deserves anything less than a man who will love and protect them with everything they are. My Heavenly Father knew this and so he found a way for me to get out quickly and head back on to the amazing path he has planned for me so long ago.
Now for the last question. Where do I go from here? It's a funny thing when your whole perfectly planned out world comes crashing down around you. It has a way of showing you what you are all about. Just how strong you are. Yet, it can also show you how weak you can be. It's absolutely terrifying. Trust me I had my extreme moments of weakness. It was so so hard to be strong. Hard to be judged. Hard to finally stand up to myself even and say "you deserve better, you deserve more, you deserve a life you will love."
So where did I go from there? I went everywhere I wanted to go. I did everything I wanted to do. I ate everything I wanted to eat. I played. I laughed. I loved. I found myself again. I loved myself again.
It has been the hardest three years of my life. I have been tried in every possible way. I have failed and failed again. I have moved and moved and moved….and moved again. I soul searched to the end of the earth. I have finally renewed my relationship with the gospel and my God. I am finally so happy. So happy that sometimes I forget what it took to get me here. To get me to where I am following my dreams. Following my path. Don't get me wrong I still have bad days. Oh my gosh such bad irrational days. But I am so happy. Everything finally feels good again. And when I get asked the question if I could go back would I do it all over again? The answer is simple. If it would take me to where I am now all over again I absolutely would.
So I guess to whomever is reading this and I'm hoping there is someone out there that this can help… If you are feeling lost and alone through a trial in your life, if things are feeling hopeless, just keep going. If you are trying, you will get there. You will be happy again. It will be worth every second of pain, every tear. Your Father in Heaven loves you. He adores you. He wants the best for you. You just need to want it too.