Thursday, July 7, 2011


I have officially kicked the habit of only being able to fall asleep with the TV on. It has taken baby steps I will admit. And this might seem kind of silly to everyone reading this, BUT this is a huge accomplishment. For a while now I have been afraid of silence. Afraid of the emptiness that would come a long with it. Where my thoughts would go and if I would end up in tears or frustrated beyond belief from just thinking to much and to hard about things that can't be fixed. So I got into the habit of ALWAYS having a show on because it would somewhat hold my attention. Not only so I could go to sleep, but ALL the time! When I would get ready in the morning, fold laundry, cleaning, driving, eating, even walking to and from school I would be plugged into my music or anything to keep me from having my own thoughts. You want to know a secret, the thoughts and sadness follows you no matter what is there to semi numb what passes through your brain.

Last night I did something I hadn't done in a while... I just laid in my bed. No music, No tv show, nothing but silence. I'll admit I cringed a little bit and had to fight the urge to get rid of the silence. I have literally grown to be afraid of it. But I laid there and just let whatever thought that came into my head pass on through. And when I got a little bit overwhelmed I just laid there and had a conversation with my Heavenly Father.

Silence has never felt so good! I have really kept myself away from just being with  myself for so long that I forgot what it was like to just think and be alone with my thoughts.

I did the same thing tonight as I thought about someone who left this world today. A man who will truly be missed by all who ever knew him. A man who always had a smile for me when I was going through a pretty rough time. Who would always ask "how ya doin today?" and you knew he really wanted to know. Who always said "its sure nice to see you today." When maybe you felt invisible..or like you wished you were. I thought about my family and how much I love them. How grateful I am that I know I have the ability to be with them for all eternity. How grateful that those I love that aren't family have the same knowledge. Losing someone is never easy, but I can't imagine how to get through that loss without knowing you will see them someday, they will be right there waiting for YOU!. How grateful I am to know...

"This is not forever, this is not the end, this is not the final product.” 


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