Monday, April 18, 2011

Sometimes you can find strength in weakness

Its cold again, and I do not know what to do.
I need a friend, but all I really want is you.
Where have you been, I haven't seen you for so long
I guess you're gone you're really gone
So long ago you told me you'd never leave
What do you know.. things have changed so suddenly..
Here I am, I am moving on without you, without you

Now a year has passed us by and I still do not know why before you tried you chose to quit.
So where are you tonight? You could have made everything right, but instead you're missin' it

You're missin it, all the things that I have done
You're missin it, everything I have become
So wave goodbye, cause you can never get it back
No you cant you really cant

There will be a day where you wish you could go back
Your mistakes will catch up with where you're at
Before you know, all your chances will be gone, they will  be gone..

Because a year has passed us by and I still do not know why before you tried you chose to quit
So where are you tonight? You could have made it all alright, but instead you're missin' it...you're missin' it...



There are so many ways that you can lose someone. You can lose a friend, a parent, a child, a spouse or any loved one.  You can lose them through just simply drifting apart, or an argument, a death, a tragedy, through your own choices, or through the others choices. Which ever way you lose someone...it hurts. Its hurts even when you know you did everything you could possibly do to not lose them...yet you lost...Theres always all the "what if" question that honestly can drown a person because you will never get the answers to those kinds of questions. I have been trying to just let those questions go, realize that I will never ever ever have the answers that I so desperately have searched for.All I can rely on now is the answers that I have received over the past year. Some days are harder than others. Somedays I feel lonely and sad, others I feel motivated and empowered!..Today I'm not entirely sure!..The best advice I have gotten is from my sister who told me to prepare for the days I know will be harder, make a plan for every feeling you might possibly feel. The day might turn out not to be as bad as you think it will...Looking back to a year ago today...nothing in my life is the same. I don't even recognize the person I was a year ago to the person I am today. Nothing has remained the same...not me..not my surroundings..nothing. I have learned so many needed lessons that I never would have, had I not suffered this loss. So I guess you could say that in losing someone I found myself. As much as I lost...I gained so much more. 

What I have learned in the last year...

What I have planned for myself and what my Heavenly Father has planned for me will not always be the same...always rely on him..he knows best.

I have learned who my real REAL friends are. It's amazing to see who will run away from you during a trial and who will not let you go down without them. So many people who I thought would be there for me weren't..yet I was equally surprised when some people who I never assumed or asked to help me were there no matter what. And some people I have always been able to rely on kept me going thru the hardest days. 

I met some people thru this trial that had I not experienced it I would not even know them...that makes me sad and so grateful for this trial because I don't know what I would do without these people in my life! =)

I have learned to give my energy and attention to those who deserve it and will give me theirs. My family is now and always will be number 1 on my priority list! I love them so much.

I have learned to be selfless...yet that its ok to put myself and my needs first...sometimes it is necessary.

Service to others in need is one of the best medicines!

There is no better place to feel comfort and love than in the house of the Lord. Oh what a blessing that I got from this trial also. For this I am grateful.

An eternal family is an amazing blessing that should not be taken for granted ever!..I am so grateful for the knowledge that I will be with my family forever..and I look forward to the day where I will create my very own eternal family. =) I can't wait.

I am strong. So much stronger than I ever thought possible. I have made some mistakes thru this...I have acted out of character...at some points I honestly could have been send to the loony bin. But all in all I think I came out of this a year later pretty dang good!

I can now look fear in the eye and laugh at it and just go for it!..its ok to live my life for myself!

Its ok to feel...angry, sad, hurt, ...most importantly..its ok to feel happy, even when you think you shouldn't.

I now know what it is to truly have a broken heart and contrite spirit and to turn everything over to the Lord...at one point I threw my hands up and said ok...here you go...just tell me what to do and I will do it because I seriously don't have a clue anymore...I learned he will guide me and never leave me.

I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me!.. I know that one day this is all going to be a part of a huge plan! If I put all my faith in him I know I am going to be more than ok! I am going to be the happiest girl alive! My testimony of the gospel has grown so much more than I thought possible and my love for it has grown sooo much also! 

Those are just a few things I have learned over the last year.... I lost someone...and it hurt...a pain unlike anything else I can imagine. But was a blessed because of it?..Immensely.. I wouldn't change a thing! 
When someone asked me how I was feeling I told them in all heartfelt honesty that I was grateful for this hard time in my life...they looked at me confused and asked if I was crazy?...I replied with that I probably could have done with out it but that I truly was grateful for it. Then I started to wonder if I really could have done with out it?...I wouldn't be where I am today...And I honestly needed a swift kick in the pants!...so you know what... I really honestly truly could not have done with out this trial..and my Heavenly Father knew it!

So this trial became a blessing...a blessing that was hidden in a really hideous awful disguise...but a blessing non the less!

A shout out to all those who even though they didn't agree with some of my decisions support me anyways and then when everything came crashing down stood beside me no matter what and helped me put the pieces back together again. To everyone who held me while I bawled my eyes out and who made me laugh when I didn't think it would ever be possible to laugh again. To everyone who took me in when I needed it and hung out with me when there were plenty of other things to be doing!... To those who answered my phone calls and comforted me no matter what time of the day or middle of the night it was!..To everyone who knew me before my world fell apart and were there for me through the whole mess and to those who met me during and loved me anyways! To the people who I have met because of it all!.... I love you all so much! I will never be able to express it!... I hope I never have to see you go through something so painful but in case I do... just know I will be there NO matter what! I'll never be able to repay you for your kindness and unconditional love.

Thank you so so much for the examples you are to me! Oh and happy sunday! I hope it was delightful! 

xoxo

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